NCIS has jurisdiction due to the fact Jesus Schwartz enjoyed boating and fishing on the sea of Galilee.
Perpetrator: Jesus Schwartz of Nazarus – known alias: The Living Christ, Son of Man, Fisher of Man….
Charges: 1. Parading through Jerusalem without a permit. 2. Disturbing the money changers in the Synagogue. 3. Disorderly conduct for throwing the money changers out of the Synagogue.
Timeline of Events – Friday
- 7:43am Pontius Pilate awakens
- 8:05am Pontius Pilate breakfasts on figs, grapes, and red wine.
- 8:30am Pontius Pilate soaks in a hot bath
- 9:30am to 11am Pontius Pilate receives a message from Jezebel, last name unknown.
- 11am to 11:30am Pontius Pilate dresses and prepares for the day.
- 11:52am Pontius Pilate arrives at court.
- 12:30pm Pontius Pilate hears of the case against Jesus Schwartz. Pilate finds no grievous fault with Jesus, releases him. Pilate chastises him and….
- 12:45pm Due to the outcry of the unruly throng of rabble-rousers, the high-priests voted and condemned Jesus to his death by crucifixion.
- 1pm to 3pm Jesus paraded around town – reports vary as to what actually happened during this time period.
- 3pm By one account, Jesus is placed on the cross either at Calvary or Golgotha – two other perks are at his left and right.
- 6pm to 9pm Solar eclipse followed by earth quake.
- 9pm Jesus is declared dead – One report, Pontius Pilate marveled that he was already dead, for he had not been up there very long.
- 9:15pm Centurion stabs Jesus in the side with spear, blood and lymph flows out of small wound.
- 9:25pm Jesus is carefully removed from the cross by two Mary’s and other unknown women. His gang of 12 have already gone into hiding. The two other perks had their bones broken (unestablished reports).
- 10:15pm Jesus is hidden away in a cave and given healing herbs by the two Mary’s.
NCIS Final Report
- 3pm Jesus is put on cross, unconfirmed report of spikes in hands and feet. These would be non-fatal wounds.
- 9pm Jesus is declared dead.
- 9:15pm Centurion stabs Jesus in the side with a spear, blood and lymph flows. Blood and lymph doesn’t flow out of dead bodies.
- 9:25pm Jesus is carefully removed from the cross by unknown number of women.
- 10:15pm Jesus is hidden away in a cave and administered healing herbs.
Final Conclusion: Jesus faked his death and was spirited away by a group of women to be hidden away until he recovered from his wounds. Present whereabouts of Jesus and Mary Magdalene unknown.